The Asshole Allegory

The Allegory:

The organs of a particular body had been arguing back and forth for days as to who was the most important. The kidneys argued that without their action the body would quickly bloat, shutdown and die.

The liver responded that without its lifegiving filtration the blood would soon turn to poison and cease to deliver the necessary life giving substances to the cells.

The heart of course quickly moved to trump that argument, reasoning that without the heart to pump the blood then the body would most quickly die.

The stomach got in on the act by saying that without it to digest the food the body would also soon be dead.

The intestines weighed in by saying without them to absorb the nutrients, what was the point of having a stupid stomach anyway?

Throughout all the constant bickering the asshole was silent. Its singular response was to simply stay buttoned up tighter than a spinster’s corset.

The body eventually began to quiver, its temperature rose, and an unsettling uneasiness – up to and including – sweating and an inescapable uncomfortableness, listed the organism.

So as to no surprise – in short order – that particular action by the proverbial alimentary ‘end of the road’ tract proved that the asshole truly was the king of all organs.

The Allegory explained:

The consumer in today’s post-industrial society – much like the asshole – is also quite literally at the bottom of the food chain.



Then it could be said the pocketbook of said consumer serves to function more or less like the ignoble sphincter in that it too is that critical chokepoint valve which serves to either enable or disable its host organism.

Example. If everyone were to quit spending money at Amazon, Amazon would go out of business. Unplug from Facebook and Facebook is out of business. Both cases are improbable but not impossible.

And so the humble consumer and his opening and closing pocketbook, much like the mostly shy and unassuming asshole and its equally binary sphincter, can wield extraordinary power should they so chose.

Example. If western consumers wanted to throttle the recent aggression of the mainland Chinese in the South China Sea they could do so by choosing to not fund said aggression by simply ceasing to purchase products produced by the mainland Chinese. This is true because it would prove hard to build warships, submarines, and construct and maintain distant artificial islands without those revenues as generated by foreign investments and the sale of those products.

Tired of all that conflict and consternation being emitted by the Middle East? Then why don’t we get rid of all our singularly passengered, two and a half ton, 8-cylinder SUVs and buy smaller vehicles that don’t as readily cha-ching into all those emir’s coffers?

In theory, you can’t spend what you don’t have; at least not for long anyway.

I recollect an incident that happened a long time ago where after a lengthy and noisy expulsion of gas, my friend turned to me and indignantly remarked, ‘Did you hear what that asshole just said?’

Example. Donald Trump. He looks like a prolapsed rectum with ears. And in spite of his numerous bragging claims to enormous wealth, he doesn’t add up in my book to being any more than just a noisy little turd on two legs. President? The fact that we Americans would ever consider him just goes to show how broken the American political system really is.

The truth is Americans can no longer vote their way to a better future; if they ever could.

The only power that we as individuals have at our disposal these days is the power of the purse. You want to affect change in your government? Change your consumption footprint (which in turn can change the tax base). Think about that.

Want to lessen corporate power? Then quit buying so many of their products. Especially from those companies that you morally or philosophically disagree with.

Or can’t find a good paying job because those same corporations are downsizing or outsourcing to mainland China? Then again, quit buying their stuff and instead look to work within your community.

Support co-ops. Barter, trade, recycle, or repair. Let’s downsize our lifestyles. We need to be selective about what we put on our backs, in our bellies and what we put in our heads.

Let’s quit mindlessly consuming franchised pop entertainment. Instead, let’s read books. Real books. We need to bring back the bookstores like the LP aficionados brought back vinyl.

We should always be on the lookout weighing each consumption choice from the prospective of best delivered value proposition. Shoddily made products (plastics, electronics, clothing, and otherwise) can’t be repaired and get quickly dispatched to the landfill.

But most important of all fellow consumers, we need to remind ourselves – constantly and relentlessly – that in the marketplace our choices can make a real difference.

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